Sherman Bill: Blatant World Domination Plans Fly Below the Radar

Alright, here's something that has always mildly bothered me. The fact that it only mildly bothers me moderately bothers me. The fact that it doesn't bother most people in the least extremely bothers me.

If a picture tells a thousand words, then the picture above plus my introductory thirty-four words ought to tell the entire story. "Johnny, you're just being lazy," you say? What else is fucking new? Nicholas Fehn could write this post by just holding up the logo and saying, "What?!"

Anyhoo, in case you haven't figured out the itch that bothers me, it is this: How the fuck, in 2008, in the year in which even T. Boone Pickens went green, can Sherwin-Williams continue to get away with its "Cover the Earth" logo?

"COVER THE EARTH!" I exclaim every time I drive by my local Sherwin-Williams paint store. "COVER THE EARTH!" I growl in Jame Gumb's "Put the fucking lotion in the basket!" tone. "COVER THE EARTH!" I say while I hunch my shoulders and twist my hands around an imaginary grapefruit.

Cover the earth in red Sherwin-Williams paint. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it would be an environmental catastrophe. "So it offends you as an environmentalist?" you ask?

"No, it offends me as a wannabe advertising professional." (Thanks again, Seinfeld.)

Go here now.

Now that is pretty f-ing hilarious. "Green Initiatives." They forgot bullet point number 7:

• We've always been jealous of Mars hogging the "red planet" nickname, and, despite all this eco-friendly, P.R. bullshit, we actually hate the color green . . . but this won't matter to you, loyal customer, because you've overlooked our logo for the past 120 years. Now call in the dog and wrap Grandma up in masking tape, 'cuz it's EARTH COVERIN' TIME, BITCHES! (Demonic Laughter)

Of course, I also can't let the bottom of the page slide:

"Sherwin-Williams Logo

Our historical logo is one of the most recognized company logos in existence. Created in the late 1800s, the logo's purpose was to represent the company's desire to help beautify and protect the buildings of the world. It was a symbol of a young company's enthusiasm, idealism and hope regarding its future and the possibility for achievement that hovered on the nation's horizon.

Very quickly, our 'Cover the Earth' logo became a figurative emblem signifying quality, integrity and service — the very same things it stands for today."

Coating the Earth's crust in red exterior gloss latex signifies quality, integrity and service? What signifies professionalism, reliability and honesty? Roller fucking? (Thanks again, Carlin.)

"Very quickly, 'Roller fucking' became a figurative phrase signifying professionalism, reliability and honesty — the very same things it stands for today."

Here's another question. How did Sherwin-Williams survive the Red Scare of 1917? If you're looking for a pro-communist logo (not that there's anything wrong with that), look no further.

Oh, yeah, "Sherman Bill" was first coined in the summer of 1997, when I led a painting crew. Some dude referred to the local Sherwin-Williams paint store as "Sherman Bill's." I don't remember if it was a joke, or a horrible mistake, but I loved it, so I've referred to any local Sherwin-Williams paint store as "Sherman Bill's" ever since.

That was also the summer which included the low point of buying speakers out of the back of a van in a random parking lot, and the high point of striking a soup can with a ball of aluminum foil from a seated position at the range of 30 feet on the first attempt in front of my entire painting crew.

I'm a simple man.

Honor Amongst Thieves

These United States - Honor Amongst Thieves
These United States - Honor Amongst Thieves

On Saturday, Somali pirates released a hijacked Greek-owned tanker with all 19 crew members safe and the oil cargo intact after payment of a ransom. This is just the latest in a riveting and sprawling story which has left me unabashedly obsessed.

“Think of us like a coast guard,” pirates’ spokesman, Sugule Ali, said in a recent telephone interview. And I do, sort of.

After the Somali government imploded in 1991, the only profitable industry, fishing, was completely overrun by foreign commercial fleets illegally pillaging the tuna rich waters. In response, a group of fishermen teamed with armed militia men to begin commandeering these ships as a rudimentary form of taxation.

"It is particularly ironic that many of the nations that are presently contributing warships to the anti-piracy flotillas patrolling, or set to patrol, the waters off the Horn of Africa, are themselves directly linked to the foreign fishing vessels that are busily plundering Somalia's offshore resources," Dr Schofield, a researcher with the University of Wollongong's Australian National Centre for Ocean Resources and Security.

Ironic, yes, but if Somalia had oil (not tuna), we’d be in there like gangbusters calling them terrorists and setting up a dummy government. And this leads to the root of my obsession: We are witnessing the human condition pushed to the limit on a grand stage and no one wants any part of it.

Somalia, a country that has been violently destroying itself for years, is now commanding an international spotlight without killing many people at all. In fact, the pirates seem somewhat honorable in their understanding that killing is very bad for the ransom business.

I'm not sure how this is going to play out. The pirates are holding the world hostage with increasing brazenness and something has to give. When it does, I think everyone will take notice.

A Venn diagram illustrating the lack of intersection between two sets which represent all humankind.

Turns out Bob Wiley was right.

So in these troubled times, pick a side and stand up for yourself. Sure Sweet Caroline is one of the more annoying bar/stadium anthems in recent memory, but you can't discount Holly Holy, Cherry Cherry or Cracklin'Rosie can you?

No, you can't... Right?

The man had the audacity to entitle his debut album The Feel of Neil Diamond for goddsake!

Attractive, Successful Women

I do declare that Rose Nylund (Betty White) was the most desirable Golden Girl. If I had been a fictitious, 65-year-old man in 1987, I would have dated her strictly on the pretense of delicious baked goods.

What the hell is Sarah's deal?

Note: This post is a response to Johnny's: Sarah Silverman: Viciously Innocent or Innocently Vicious?

Great question, Johnny.

First of all, I really enjoy Sarah Silverman and although I haven't tuned into her Program nearly as often I'd like, I think I understand the elements at play here. My feeling is that there must have been a point early in her career when she contemplated the following:

Gross is funny.
Mean is funny.
I am hot on the outside.
I am rather gross and mean on the inside.

And ultimately: Hot is in no way funny.

Although a pretty face can get you in the door, or get a viewer to stop on your Program, strong female comic characters are RARELY sexualized. Think about it. America may laugh at Kathy Griffin, Whoopie Goldberg or Amy Sedaris. They may cheer in delight for Rosie or Ellen or Roseanne. But laughter and desire are mutually exclusive. I know I may have picked a fairly repugnant bunch (with the exception of Sedaris, whom I am extremely fond of) but that is just the point, accepted funny almost never fills the same void as accepted hot.

Many would argue that this brings us to the brass tacks of American culture: If you are pretty, you don't have to try to be funny because people will like you regardless. But I think this quandary may be a symptom of something greater. We, as a society, fear the total package, and furthermore, the total package isn't funny. We are a jealous lot and if someone is going to be as attractive as Sarah Silverman, she'd better be gross and mean or find a different line of work. We don't want our starlets to be hilarious or our laugh riots to be seductive. Comedy, in and of itself, exploits flaw for humor.

This is true even for our beloved Liz Lemon. Like Sarah, Lemon (though attractive) is fairly asexual in her own right. Although she is in a position of power, she is basically clueless on how to be a success with men, which is a major crux of the series. Even attractive successful women (see Ally McBeal, the Golden Girls) need to have disastrous love lives in order to keep the audience interested.

We laugh at Sarah for be being flawed: heartless and crude. But if she took on a protagonist role that was both fall down funny and overtly (and successfully) sexy, it would be a catastrophe. And although everyone marks 'must have a sense of humor' heavy on the list for a potential mate, this conundrum has yet to be unraveled.

So when we're in the bathtub wondering 'Sarah Silverman, you are funny, smart and gorgeous...why am I not attracted to you?' The answer is because she cannot allow it. Her cache in the comedy world would implode.

We must always believe that if we were to start making out with her, she'd fart and call us a douche nozzle.

I love you Sarah, stay the course.

Sarah Silverman: Viciously Innocent or Innocently Vicious?

I never miss an episode of The Sarah Silverman Program. I look forward to watching it every week. I make a point to tape it on my DVR. Very simply, it makes me laugh on a regular basis. Sure, there are plenty of puns and poop jokes, but there's so much more to The Program than puns and poop jokes. In fact, there is so much more to the puns and poop jokes than just puns and poop jokes. ("Puns and poop jokes," is an enjoyable phrase to write.)

Before I get too deeply into the comedy analysis, let me just return to the title of this entry. While "viciously innocent" sounds better than "innocently vicious" from a purely aural perspective, "innocently vicious" is a more accurate descriptor of Sarah Silverman's Program persona: the character of Sarah Silverman. She's helpless, dependent, self-absorbed, asexual, immature and sociopathic. She's basically an adolescent in the body of an adult . . . not that there's anything wrong with that within the scope of a TV character.

To call her "viciously innocent" would be to let her off the hook for behavior such as: upon finding her beloved action figure semi-digested within her dog's feces, Sarah fired her maid on the grounds that the maid stuffed the action figure up Sarah's dog's butt, when, in fact, the dog ate the action figure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a good joke, but Sarah can't be found innocent for her ignorance. She can, however, be found to be vicious in an innocent (meaning: adolescents don't know any better) manner. Oh fuck this, my brain hurts.

Anyway, my whole point is this: Enjoy The Sarah Silverman Program, then contribute to the answering of the following questions: What the hell is Sarah's deal? Furthermore, how does Sarah pull off being really attractive and hilarious, yet totally unappealing at the same time? And finally, how does such a dumb show manage to spark so many paradoxes that I'm convinced that it's one of the most brilliant shows on TV?

5 Years Time

Noah and the Whale - 5 Years Time
Noah and the Whale - 5 Years Time


On my morning walk to work (yes, I decided to take a Sunday of work for Rachael Ray, a place I quit this summer), I took the long route toward the 2 train in order to feel the cold in my lungs. I was listening to this song when I came to this door. It was one of those moments when you realize there are a ton of things you don't know about the place you live. And even if you think you'll be here for the rest of your life, in five years you might live impossibly far away and this will seem like a completely foreign memory; that a metropolitan existence is filthy and cliche and that you never really knew the city at all.

But maybe I'll become the place I live, something I won't even see coming.

And maybe five years from now I'll see someone taking a picture of a rusty red door with a white cross and wonder why they would think it is anything but normal, mundane.

What's not exhausting?

Now is probably a good time to stop doing things that are absolutely exhausting just to think about. Or, maybe it's a good time to just stop thinking; wait for the outside pressure to come; welcome the unsolicited advice. (Pause) I don't get much unsolicited advice, do you? Is that a by-product of being relatively successful, a by-product of others being afraid to "interfere," or a by-product of others just not giving a shit about me? Some combination?

It's comforting to think that maybe it's a by-product of others just not knowing: what's right for you? What's right for them? Who's to say? I've been in the position to say, "Hey, man, don't do it," but I've stayed quiet because of uncertainty. Maybe that's for the best. Maybe certainty is more dangerous than fear. Maybe only as dangerous. Certainty got us into Iraq in 2003. If true knowledge is knowing that one knows nothing, than thinking that one knows something must be straight ignorance.

But back to what's not exhausting. This. Speaking to a potential audience. It beats sending out résumés. (long pause and gear shift) I hereby declare myself an artist. Here's a piece (peace) of me for ya. It wasn't exhausting to create. Not to say it was cake; just inevitable, fulfilling work. Let me know if you can't bear to not purchase a poster or t-shirt.

Words on the Street

Sometimes a lunch break provides you with a moment of clarity.
Sometimes it provides you with poop dick.

I can't decide whether this is my new favorite insult or the worst rap name ever.

Friends thwart sloth to fill present void in your life

By JOHNNY
Chief Reluctant Enthusiast

NORTH PROVIDENCE — Welcome to the debut of the Web's latest space filler, The Sporadic Nor'easter. As if you didn't have enough crap to keep track of, here, the minds of Adam Hall and Johnny Paulhus will spill forth onto your screen and grab hold of your attention, tentacle-like, injecting you with mild, virtual neurotoxins. Sound like fun? If so, then, in the immortal words of Wyatt's grandparents, "Oh Good!"

Unlike television progrums (sic), The Sporadic Nor'easter (or TSN'e) follows no preconceived format. If there's nothing to share, we share nothing. We refuse to have deadlines and schedules. We refuse to fill the void because we have to. We fill it as we see fit, when we see fit. Why, just today, I was lolling on the couch with MSNBC on the telly, wondering why the fuck Sarah Palin was still getting so much airtime. The answer? Because nothing else is happening on the political front! Obama's in, Republicans are out. There's nothing else to say about it. But, They need to fill an hour of time, so they talk about a loser even though she is no longer relevant. Fuck that. MSNBC should just show a montage of its staff enjoying naps after the exhausting, past election season. Cue, "What a Wonderful World" and roll the fucking nap montage.

Alright that's enough for now.

© 2008 TSN'e