Sherman Bill: Blatant World Domination Plans Fly Below the Radar

Alright, here's something that has always mildly bothered me. The fact that it only mildly bothers me moderately bothers me. The fact that it doesn't bother most people in the least extremely bothers me.

If a picture tells a thousand words, then the picture above plus my introductory thirty-four words ought to tell the entire story. "Johnny, you're just being lazy," you say? What else is fucking new? Nicholas Fehn could write this post by just holding up the logo and saying, "What?!"

Anyhoo, in case you haven't figured out the itch that bothers me, it is this: How the fuck, in 2008, in the year in which even T. Boone Pickens went green, can Sherwin-Williams continue to get away with its "Cover the Earth" logo?

"COVER THE EARTH!" I exclaim every time I drive by my local Sherwin-Williams paint store. "COVER THE EARTH!" I growl in Jame Gumb's "Put the fucking lotion in the basket!" tone. "COVER THE EARTH!" I say while I hunch my shoulders and twist my hands around an imaginary grapefruit.

Cover the earth in red Sherwin-Williams paint. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it would be an environmental catastrophe. "So it offends you as an environmentalist?" you ask?

"No, it offends me as a wannabe advertising professional." (Thanks again, Seinfeld.)

Go here now.

Now that is pretty f-ing hilarious. "Green Initiatives." They forgot bullet point number 7:

• We've always been jealous of Mars hogging the "red planet" nickname, and, despite all this eco-friendly, P.R. bullshit, we actually hate the color green . . . but this won't matter to you, loyal customer, because you've overlooked our logo for the past 120 years. Now call in the dog and wrap Grandma up in masking tape, 'cuz it's EARTH COVERIN' TIME, BITCHES! (Demonic Laughter)

Of course, I also can't let the bottom of the page slide:

"Sherwin-Williams Logo

Our historical logo is one of the most recognized company logos in existence. Created in the late 1800s, the logo's purpose was to represent the company's desire to help beautify and protect the buildings of the world. It was a symbol of a young company's enthusiasm, idealism and hope regarding its future and the possibility for achievement that hovered on the nation's horizon.

Very quickly, our 'Cover the Earth' logo became a figurative emblem signifying quality, integrity and service — the very same things it stands for today."

Coating the Earth's crust in red exterior gloss latex signifies quality, integrity and service? What signifies professionalism, reliability and honesty? Roller fucking? (Thanks again, Carlin.)

"Very quickly, 'Roller fucking' became a figurative phrase signifying professionalism, reliability and honesty — the very same things it stands for today."

Here's another question. How did Sherwin-Williams survive the Red Scare of 1917? If you're looking for a pro-communist logo (not that there's anything wrong with that), look no further.

Oh, yeah, "Sherman Bill" was first coined in the summer of 1997, when I led a painting crew. Some dude referred to the local Sherwin-Williams paint store as "Sherman Bill's." I don't remember if it was a joke, or a horrible mistake, but I loved it, so I've referred to any local Sherwin-Williams paint store as "Sherman Bill's" ever since.

That was also the summer which included the low point of buying speakers out of the back of a van in a random parking lot, and the high point of striking a soup can with a ball of aluminum foil from a seated position at the range of 30 feet on the first attempt in front of my entire painting crew.

I'm a simple man.

Honor Amongst Thieves

These United States - Honor Amongst Thieves
These United States - Honor Amongst Thieves

On Saturday, Somali pirates released a hijacked Greek-owned tanker with all 19 crew members safe and the oil cargo intact after payment of a ransom. This is just the latest in a riveting and sprawling story which has left me unabashedly obsessed.

“Think of us like a coast guard,” pirates’ spokesman, Sugule Ali, said in a recent telephone interview. And I do, sort of.

After the Somali government imploded in 1991, the only profitable industry, fishing, was completely overrun by foreign commercial fleets illegally pillaging the tuna rich waters. In response, a group of fishermen teamed with armed militia men to begin commandeering these ships as a rudimentary form of taxation.

"It is particularly ironic that many of the nations that are presently contributing warships to the anti-piracy flotillas patrolling, or set to patrol, the waters off the Horn of Africa, are themselves directly linked to the foreign fishing vessels that are busily plundering Somalia's offshore resources," Dr Schofield, a researcher with the University of Wollongong's Australian National Centre for Ocean Resources and Security.

Ironic, yes, but if Somalia had oil (not tuna), we’d be in there like gangbusters calling them terrorists and setting up a dummy government. And this leads to the root of my obsession: We are witnessing the human condition pushed to the limit on a grand stage and no one wants any part of it.

Somalia, a country that has been violently destroying itself for years, is now commanding an international spotlight without killing many people at all. In fact, the pirates seem somewhat honorable in their understanding that killing is very bad for the ransom business.

I'm not sure how this is going to play out. The pirates are holding the world hostage with increasing brazenness and something has to give. When it does, I think everyone will take notice.

A Venn diagram illustrating the lack of intersection between two sets which represent all humankind.

Turns out Bob Wiley was right.

So in these troubled times, pick a side and stand up for yourself. Sure Sweet Caroline is one of the more annoying bar/stadium anthems in recent memory, but you can't discount Holly Holy, Cherry Cherry or Cracklin'Rosie can you?

No, you can't... Right?

The man had the audacity to entitle his debut album The Feel of Neil Diamond for goddsake!

Attractive, Successful Women

I do declare that Rose Nylund (Betty White) was the most desirable Golden Girl. If I had been a fictitious, 65-year-old man in 1987, I would have dated her strictly on the pretense of delicious baked goods.

What the hell is Sarah's deal?

Note: This post is a response to Johnny's: Sarah Silverman: Viciously Innocent or Innocently Vicious?

Great question, Johnny.

First of all, I really enjoy Sarah Silverman and although I haven't tuned into her Program nearly as often I'd like, I think I understand the elements at play here. My feeling is that there must have been a point early in her career when she contemplated the following:

Gross is funny.
Mean is funny.
I am hot on the outside.
I am rather gross and mean on the inside.

And ultimately: Hot is in no way funny.

Although a pretty face can get you in the door, or get a viewer to stop on your Program, strong female comic characters are RARELY sexualized. Think about it. America may laugh at Kathy Griffin, Whoopie Goldberg or Amy Sedaris. They may cheer in delight for Rosie or Ellen or Roseanne. But laughter and desire are mutually exclusive. I know I may have picked a fairly repugnant bunch (with the exception of Sedaris, whom I am extremely fond of) but that is just the point, accepted funny almost never fills the same void as accepted hot.

Many would argue that this brings us to the brass tacks of American culture: If you are pretty, you don't have to try to be funny because people will like you regardless. But I think this quandary may be a symptom of something greater. We, as a society, fear the total package, and furthermore, the total package isn't funny. We are a jealous lot and if someone is going to be as attractive as Sarah Silverman, she'd better be gross and mean or find a different line of work. We don't want our starlets to be hilarious or our laugh riots to be seductive. Comedy, in and of itself, exploits flaw for humor.

This is true even for our beloved Liz Lemon. Like Sarah, Lemon (though attractive) is fairly asexual in her own right. Although she is in a position of power, she is basically clueless on how to be a success with men, which is a major crux of the series. Even attractive successful women (see Ally McBeal, the Golden Girls) need to have disastrous love lives in order to keep the audience interested.

We laugh at Sarah for be being flawed: heartless and crude. But if she took on a protagonist role that was both fall down funny and overtly (and successfully) sexy, it would be a catastrophe. And although everyone marks 'must have a sense of humor' heavy on the list for a potential mate, this conundrum has yet to be unraveled.

So when we're in the bathtub wondering 'Sarah Silverman, you are funny, smart and gorgeous...why am I not attracted to you?' The answer is because she cannot allow it. Her cache in the comedy world would implode.

We must always believe that if we were to start making out with her, she'd fart and call us a douche nozzle.

I love you Sarah, stay the course.