We've secretly replaced Johnny's favorite gourmet coffee with decaffeinated Folger's Crystals. Let's see if he can tell the difference.

I'm not writing this to be mean, I'm just putting this out there for the sake of etiquette, and as a coffee enthusiast. Here is the first rule of serving coffee:

1. If you are serving exclusively decaffeinated coffee as "coffee," you may not present it as "coffee." You may not bring a carafe of decaf to the table, and say, "Coffee, anyone?" You must say, "Decaf, anyone?"

The second rule of serving coffee:

2. If you happen to ignore Rule 1, and serve decaf as "coffee," you must keep it secret, as the truth would greatly disappoint any coffee enthusiast who thought he or she was drinking full-on, robot chubby, caffeinated coffee for the past ten minutes. As Cousin Eddie says, "If he does lay into ya, it's best to just let him finish."
Speaking of bestiality, the whole "decaf as coffee" scenario is a lot like this:

Your significant other says, "Close your eyes, I'm about to pleasure you." You oblige and enjoy yourself for a while, but then your significant other says, "Open your eyes, I have a surprise for you." You open your eyes to find the dog pleasuring you. You recoil in horror.

Your significant other never should have said he or she would be pleasuring you. But, once the pleasuring began, however false the pretenses were, you were much better off not knowing the god-awful truth.

That is all. Thank you for your time, and Merry Christmas.